Friday, June 22, 2012

I am very lucky and aware

With all this new blogging community I keep coming across really sad pages where peoples babies are struggling with some sort of disability.  I don't know how I keep landing on them, but it is one after another.  It makes me feel like shit as a mom because I struggle with the title of mother, plain and simple.  There are some people who think their whole existence is to have kids and that's all that they want to do in life and then something is really wrong with their babies.

I know that I am very lucky to have 2 strong healthy boys.  What you don't know is that I almost lost Ray Ray in the beginning of pregnancy because I didn't stop bleeding for months and I was REALLY lucky that Remi wasn't born completely messed up with being exposed to Hand Foot and Mouth Disease at 37 weeks in utero.  I look at Remi and thank whoever the hell stepped in and made sure he was perfectly fine because I was convinced he was going to be messed up for sure.  I actually had a whole plan worked out where if something was to be wrong with him I was going to become a devoted stay at home mom for him.  Right before I went into surgery, I am talking about MINUTES, my OB GYN came and told me the results of my blood test were in and that I had the worst of the 2 strands of HMFD.  During the whole time of the c section I was terrified that when they pulled him out he was going to be a mess.  Instead they pulled out this 9 lb. 8 oz, 22" long baby with short cropped black hair who was just fine.  BIG, but fine :)

I had a friend whom I was friends with since 6th grade verbally attack me during my second pregnancy because of how I spoke about being pregnant.  Turns out she couldn't have kids and her sister was also pregnant at the same time as me so she took it all out on me.  For some reason I am that person that people want to blame, haha.  That's what I get for being so open and honest about life.  It will screw you every time.

We are all dealt different cards in life.  Shit, I became "disabled" in Iraq at the age of 22.  My back is really messed up and is getting worse and worse.  I didn't ask for it.  It something that I have to deal with, but I don't go telling everyone to fuck off that has a working back.  I express concern for people when they are doing something really stupid that could put them at the risk of having the back issues I have... like picking up a fridge by themselves.  That's just plain stupid.

We all like to think that we are invincible.  Guess what, we aren't.

In this moment I know how lucky I am.  I can only hope that I continue on this path.

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